Cindy LaFerle: When do we listen to our own hearts?

Heather Jose photo.

Heather Jose

WELCOME Cindy LaFerle, a popular author, columnist and longtime friend of our online magazine. She also is a veteran caregiver and writes eloquently about the challenge so many of us suddenly face—between caring for others … and ourselves. At the end of this column, I invite you to learn more about Cindy’s work.

Also, thanks to all the readers who are passing along our recent columns on Tips for Caregivers. We always look forward to your comments, emails and suggestions.

HERE IS Cindy’s column, which she calls …

Broken-Heart Signals

By CINDY LaFERLE

Long before the weird heart palpitations started, my first warning was a never-ending series of medical appointments on my day planner.

Not one of those appointments was for me.

Three years ago, I’d purchased a new day planner to keep track of my widowed mother’s care management. While transferring dates and phone numbers from my previous planner, I noticed I’d driven Mom to nearly 50 medical appointments in less than a year—yet I’d neglected to schedule an annual physical for myself.

Unable to drive due to her progressing vascular dementia, Mom lived alone in her condo then, relying solely on me to help maintain her “independence.” Between regular trips to Mom’s cardiologist, urologist, audiologist, primary care physician, pacemaker clinic, and various surgeons, I was lucky if I could book a free morning to get my teeth cleaned.

Friends told me I was looking tired, but I ignored them (and thought they were being cruel). Months of worry and caregiving were starting to take their toll—yet I was too frantic to notice.

The beat goes on and on

Cindy LaFerle created this multi-media piece, called “Cycles of the Muse.” It is featured in "The Rust Belt Almanac," a new anthology of art, fiction, and poetry about growth, change and loss in America’s Rust Belt. (Click this image to visit the Amazon page for the book.)

Cindy LaFerle created this multi-media piece, called “Cycles of the Muse.” It is featured in “The Rust Rising Belt Almanac,” a new anthology of art, fiction, and poetry about growth, change and loss in America’s Rust Belt. (Click this image to visit the Amazon page for the book.)

Since March of this year, Mom has fallen twice, first fracturing her back and later shattering her ankle. (By this time, we’d finally made the difficult decision to move her, totally against her wishes, to a skilled nursing care facility.) These episodes required three extended hospital stays and two surgeries—plus weeks of physical therapy.

Meanwhile, I endured two minor surgeries of my own, but ended up spending my recovery time overseeing my mother’s care at the hospital. I would try to care for myself later, I promised.

Visiting Mom at the hospital, I could feel my blood pressure rising every time she insisted she was “perfectly capable” of caring for herself at home. Deluded by the insidious fog of dementia, she refused to believe she’d broken her ankle and was unable to walk—even when we pointed to the cast on her leg.

Over and over, she’d ask: “Why are you keeping me here, there is nothing wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I go home now?”
“When are you taking me home?”

By August, I’d developed some alarming new symptoms of my very own—including heart palpitations—and a wretched case of insomnia. My heart would pound without any exertion to prompt it—even while I was relaxing in front of the TV.

It scared the hell out of me, unpredictably, several times a day. I was terrified enough to finally schedule an appointment with my family doctor, who ordered several tests. As the doctor explained it, I’d been living on adrenaline fumes after functioning on “high alert” for the past couple of years.

Taking versus giving

More than one-third of caregivers who provide continuing care for a spouse or another family member are doing so “while suffering poor health themselves,” notes a study cited by the Family Caregiver Alliance. Not surprisingly, middle-aged and older female caregivers are more susceptible to heart disease, hypertension, and depression than those with no caregiving duties. The stats are sobering, so I won’t go on here.

Click the cover to visit the book's Amazon page.

Click the cover to visit the book’s Amazon page.

“In many midlife women, heart palpitations are primarily caused by increasing heart energy—influenced by partnership, passion, anger, and forgiveness issues—trying to become embodied in a woman’s life,” explains Christiane Northrup, M.D., in a column she wrote for her website. She’s best known as the author of The Wisdom of Menopause: Creating Physical and Emotional Health During the Change.

In her online column, she writes: “My experience has been that our bodies speak to us only when we can’t seem to ‘hear’ them any other way. When issues of love, issues of the soul, or issues of a woman’s unmet passions cry out for attention, they often take the form of heart palpitations. If we are willing to be open to their meaning, we will be giving our hearts a chance to be heard.”

Dr. Northrup challenges women to ask what could be weighing heavily on our hearts—including our key relationships. Are friends and loved ones “investing” as much in our emotional bank as we’re investing in theirs? If not, why do we hang on to unbalanced alliances?

Of course, some relationships—family, especially—are not dispensable. I have no choice but to show up for my mother and to manage all aspects of her life, from finances to healthcare. But when others make silly or unrealistic demands on my time—or ignore my emotional needs—I have every right to question those relationships. My heart depends on it.

Reading Dr. Northrup’s advice, I also realized I’d been putting everyone else’s needs ahead my own for the past two decades. Starting in early motherhood, I’d completely redesigned my career goals around the schedules of my husband and son. As soon as my son left for college, my widowed mother’s health began failing, throwing me unexpectedly into the role of full-time caregiver again.

Hearing the heart sounds

Once we “listen” to what our hearts are telling us, Dr. Northrup says, our symptoms begin to fade—though it’s always best to have them checked by a physician, as I did.

Even though Mom has been in a nursing home for several months, I have to remind myself that I needn’t worry about her 24/7. Professional caregivers are being paid to tend to her needs.

I’ve also learned that it’s best to avoid visiting her when I’m feeling especially depressed or exhausted. Mom still begs me to take her “home”—which inevitably leads to more heartbreak and frustration for both of us. The social worker at the nursing home has suggested “redirecting” our conversations to focus on happier memories—which rarely works with anxious dementia patients, but I keep trying.

Though it might seem otherwise, this post isn’t a pity party. I fully accept the privilege of being part of a family—which often includes caring for a chronically ill (or incredibly difficult) elderly parent. I hope it serves as a warning for anyone fulfilling the role of caregiver while navigating her own middle years—years that inevitably present health challenges and other turning points that she might ignore at her peril.

It’s time to listen up.

Listen to your heart.

Cindy LaFerle

Cindy LaFerle

LEARN MORE ABOUT
CINDY LAFERLE

This column was republished, with permission, from Cindy’s home website: Cindy LaFerle’s Home Office. Cindy is an award-winning columnist, journalist and author. Her work appears in many book-length anthologies, including The Rust Belt Rising Almanac. Her own signature collection is Writing Home: Collected Essays and Newspaper Columns.

Tips for Caregivers: Keep Up vs. Catch Up

Heather Jose photo.

Heather Jose

As readers, you’ve told us that you enjoy our useful tips. That’s why my column last week—about the point at which families must give up their “home”—included some inspiring quotes and tips from others. And, that’s why we collected that big list of fall-and-winter ideas for helping caregivers. Please remember: The invitation to add to those lists is wide open. Add Comments below, or email us at [email protected] with your ideas.

Today, I’ve invited Benjamin Pratt, author of the Guide for Caregivers, to share another of his tips. These columns are perfect to share with friends, or to discuss in your small group. Feel free to print them, email them, share them on Facebook or even repost an entire column. We hope you’ll get involved!

Let a SEAL be your guide: “Keep up!”

US Navy Seals face the waves

By BENJAMIN PRATT

U.S. Navy SEAL training is spiritually, intellectually and physically rigorous, rugged. SEALs have a saying about running, which they do as a group.

“It’s easier to keep up than to catch up.”

This succinct, crisp phrase captures wisdom relevant for our lives in so many ways. Students know that it is easier to keep up with their studies than to languish through a term and race to catch up at the time of finals. It is easier to exercise regularly than catch up after years as a couch potato; easier to keep our bodies at a proper weight than catch up with endless diets; easier to limit our spending by restrained buying than recover from mounting debt. It is vibrant, necessary advice that promises us success in our primary relationships, our finances, our health and our life goals.

It is a basic life guideline.

Living by this sage advice is of inestimable value for caregivers. We caregivers can become so focused on serving our beloved that we ignore caring for ourselves. We isolate ourselves and do not run in a group as the SEALs do, thus making us vulnerable to a life of forever struggling to catch up.

We must care for ourselves by engaging in relationships where we can share our story, feel nurtured, experience the comfort and compassion of others while we extend the same to our care recipient. It is vital that we keep up with good food and adequate sleep and exercise to sustain body and soul. Our well-being requires soul-nurturing with humor, song, poetry, gratitude, prayer, manual labor and frequent respites.

Be a wise self-caregiver by running in community.

Don’t attempt the job alone.

Practice the good advice of the SEALs: “It’s easier to keep up than to catch up.”

Please, share this column with friends! Add Comments with your own tips.

Thanks go to Shane T. McCoy for today’s photo of US Navy Seals. He released it for public use via Wikimedia Commons.

Calling all caregivers: Do you know your own talents?

Heather Jose

Welcome back! I’m Heather Jose, your host at WeAreCaregivers. Last week, I introduced myself and two of our other authors: Suzy Farbman and Dr. Benjamin Pratt. This week, I want to share with you some of the wisdom you will find each week at WeAreCaregivers. Here’s the first bit of wisdom: We all need to slow down, if that’s possible in our hectic lives, and take this one step at a time. Today, ReadTheSpirit Editor David Crumm writes about why simply slowing down and getting to know each other is one of the most important things we can do to help the world right now. That’s my advice for caregivers. We can’t hope to do this alone. We need each other.

Next, I’m making a personal appeal today: If you’re among America’s 65 million caregivers—or you know a caregiver—keep in touch with me.

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CLICK the green button at right and choose the free WeAreCaregivers newsletter. Sign up via email (you can cancel any time). By getting my Tuesday newsletter, you won’t miss a column, a fresh idea, a chance to help others—and you’ll lift your own spirits as well.

Caregiving is not easy. You may have your daily tasks well in hand—but who gets the call when some new need arises? Who is responsible? You. To be at your best you need to meet your own needs on a regular basis. This is a matter of determining what makes you feel good, what renews your spirits. I like coffee from a real mug while sitting in my Adirondack chair and looking at my flowers. I also like how I feel after I have made time to workout. In order to complete the marathon you have undertaken—take care of yourself!

DO YOU KNOW YOUR OWN TALENTS? REMEMBER THESE 3 THINGS

Here’s a piece of wisdom you can print out and stick on your refrigerator or office wall: As caregivers, we often forget our own talents in the midst of all the daily tasks we have to shoulder. Remember that we all have these three talents …

WE ARE EARS. Here’s just one example: At a doctor’s appointment, an extra set of ears is a good idea. Patients are often what I call “hyperhearers,” meaning that we only hear certain statements and fail to retain any other information. There have been many times after a meeting with my oncologist when my husband and I have compared notes and found that we heard very different things. He is more factual; I am more emotional. I would have been missing some crucial pieces of information at times without my extra ears.

WE ARE VOICE. What we say matters. Think about taking your loved one for a medical test at a clinic or a stay at a hospital. These experiences are emotional and often times taxing. While some tests and hospital visits are quick, many of them require multiple steps and hours of waiting, sometimes more than one day. Unfortunately, when it’s time for a medical test, I don’t find the techs to be overly sympathetic to the fact that test results matter to patients. It is nice to have someone to mull over concerns with you. During a hospital visit, days grow very long and spirits sink without a supportive voice.

WE ARE ARMS. As caregivers, we understand that we are arms and legs and strong backs for our loved ones. But stop and think about the many ways our arms help others. Sometimes, our arms become extended arms, showing concern even if our loved ones wind up in a hospital or other care facility. When someone enters a hospital, having a caregiver around as much as possible is a bonus. It need not be the same person all the time. This may be a good time to enlist your entire support network. I have found that the staff’s perception of a patient changes when they can see the patient as a “real person” with friends and relatives around them. Those are your extended arms at work. As a healthcare provider myself, I know that the more I get to know people, the more willing I am to do something extra for them. It’s human nature.

FINALLY, I invite you to print out this column, cut out the reminder box and post it somewhere you’ll see it at least once a day.